listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
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