Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
he asked if thats how we do it in the states..like there's cultural difference in fucking between canada and the us..
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
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I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
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I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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