I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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