you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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