I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
