your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
I'm at about main and main street
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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