Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
