I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Randomize
