My first STD was from a foam party
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
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