yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Randomize
