i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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