Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
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I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
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My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
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