you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Randomize
