Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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