you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
