ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
