I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
he was CRYING into my vagina
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
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