i need an iv and a liver transplant
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
