I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
