he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Randomize
