i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I just had sex on a roof
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Randomize
