my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
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