you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
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