have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
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