After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
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