In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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