Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
