that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Josh has a goal of being naked in every RAs room this year. He's already 3/11.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
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