Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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