Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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