what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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