I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
