matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize
