i will never coherently bang her
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
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