Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
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