connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
