On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
