Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
