You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
