I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Just pee around me
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
