My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
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apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
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We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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