those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
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