I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize
