first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
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