Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
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