im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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