Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Randomize
