My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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