Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
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