the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
how does that bad decision feel?
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
