I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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