Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
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