everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
