I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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