Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Randomize
